ira_wyatt (ira_wyatt) wrote,

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So.... circumstances in my life have very quickly and unexpectedly converged so as to make it necessary for me to buy a car very soon. Like within two days. And I'm having a full-on depressive anxiety meltdown hissy fit about it, complete with bursting into tears over nothing and everything else. Trying not to but it doesn't help.

First, I'm against car culture and everything it stands for. I hate the idea of near-mandatory car ownership. I've spoken before about how it really is difficult-to-impossible to live where I do without a car. So actually owning one, while necessary, feels like betraying my principles on that level.
Plus, it's another stupid coming-of-age thing that I resent and think is stupid. I mean, I don't think that coming-of-age rituals in general are stupid, I just think that the modern-day US ones are. Oh, goody, now I'm adult enough to dump a huge amount of cash into something that destroys my planet! Hurrah! Freedom and apple pie!

Plus, there's the fact that one of my parents has decided that my resistance to car ownership is all about me being "afraid of responsibility," which I am not. What I am afraid of is being, well, in charge of something I don't understand and cars are really something I don't understand, disliking them as I do.

And there's also the fact that I don't really deal well with changes that happen quickly, so having circumstances conspire to force me into something that I don't want to do in the first place without sufficient time to process what it means to me (as per my last post) is stressful to me. Hence my meltdown, which is fricking embarassing. Especially given that my parents are like "Woo! Let's go get you a car! Why aren't you excited about it?" (Er, not to say that they're paying for it. I am. Although they've talked me out of my plan of paying it off in full upfront, since I do have to build credit somehow. And I've known for a while that I was probably going to have to get one sooner or later, over my objections, so I've put a fair amount of cash away for it. I just hoped to have more than 3 days for the actual car-buying process.)

And it sounds so damn stupid to say "No, of course I'm not excited about getting a car. It's wiping out the entirety of my liquid assets and betraying some of my deeply-held principles in one fell swoop. And I feel fucking rotten about it." Bleh, depression. I'm always stepping on other people's happiness. It sucks. And I know I'm probably being unreasonable about it all but I can't help it. And I don't like that.

I really hate the way depression takes these things that are rightfully only medium-level stressful things and blows them way out of proportion. I know that it's unreasonable but I can't help feeling the way I do about it.

On the other hand, I haven't had a meltdown like this in a couple of months now so it could be worse.
Tags: car, depression, life
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